Conflict Resolution

I am experiencing conflict making myself write this blog. It is Sunday morning in my time zone, so have run out of procrastination time.

I am generally a flight risk when it comes to altercations. In the classroom I will continue to find ways to come to an understanding. But personally, I pretty much stay 'flown'. If I do decide to 'fight', I soon back down and end up apologizing.

So when Conflict Resolution Network (n.d.) added the term 'flow', I think I have found the solution. I have been strongly cultured in the right/wrong way of thinking (Rosenberg, YouTube, 2010). However I am increasingly aware that it well could be me who is wrong.

The colleague with whom I have had a moment of conflict in the past that whose solution was her bursting into tears and my letting her continue teaching the way she had been. Since then I have been very careful what topics I raise with her and never offer any sort of critique. Interestingly she is the one who used the principles of feelings/need and request (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, (n.d.). We had been joking in a staff meeting and another teacher called her, while laughing, a bully. She later went to the teacher and told how that made her feel and asked why she had said it and that she not do it again. The teacher was completely apologetic, not realizing that it hadn't all been taken in good fun. The problem upon hearing this story, is that the other teacher was only in the position to apologize, not to give her feelings, needs and requests. What is termed win-lose (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2009).

So on the heels of that resolution, I set my conflict assignment. The fighting and flighting, I do is all on the inside and takes the energy I could be using identifying what need of mine is being threatened. So the plan is that I remain calm - yes, that was a roll of thunder and a lightening flash! If I can keep a cool head and refrain from the criticism based on past experiences that is ping-ponging in my little brain, I will be able to hear the need beneath her speech. Phrases of respect must be what is 'flowing' through my grey matter. I am looking for a win-win solution where needs are clear first then a solution is sought (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.).

OK you thought I was going to say that I would express this supposed need back to her - NOT YET! My good friend is also the principal. After the meeting, I would run his past her and wonder how she feels about it. Frankly, I cannot see beyond this. However, I have not openly expressed to my principal that I am intimidated by this teacher. It may be that she could act as a mediator in the future (The Third Side, n.d.).

I am intrigued by this week's topic and look to use it in my classroom as well as personal life - stop laughing!!!!

References
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from
http://www.cnvc.org

Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. retrieved from http://www.cmhq.org/pages/php?plD=12#skill_3

O’Hair, D., Wiemann, M. (2009). Real Communication An Introduction. New York:

            Bedford/St. Martin’s

The Third side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org

YouTube. (2010). the basics of nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-129JLTjkQ

Psychological Review

The one thing that surprised me in sharing these tests was the similarity of the answers. I expected to be rated much higher on the aggressive scale. As it turns out, I rated myself the highest. I still think this is area I need to remain mindful of. Living in this culture and interacting with young children and their families dictates that the best approach is someone who is ready and able to listen and understand.

I was pleased to come out as people oriented. There are times when I just want to get the job done and take the fastest route to get there. But it seems that this is not the overall impression I give to those I work with. So I must remain conscious of this but things are on the right track.

I was not able to do this with my sister who does not live here and who does not know me as well in this setting. It would have been interesting how she would rate me. Perhaps at a later time.

There are days in all our lives that we wish could be erased. As much as they may stick out in our memories, it seems they are more easily forgotten  by our friends.

Communication Review

People with whom I interact  regularly would begin with my sister. We contact via Skype and at times telephone. I avoid topics that I know are upsetting to her and spend most of the time finding out about the family. Because of the format, I am careful what I say and do not end a conversation where there is any hint of misunderstanding because of the geographical distance between us. A few years back when I was having difficulty at school, there was no other place I had to be than 'home for Christmas', where no special level of performance was required.

My friends here in Beijing communicate in person, via texts and emails. Because we share very different backgrounds I find myself carefully observing our interactions to make certain they have communicated what I intended. This could mean a follow-up call after a text or a meet for coffee after an email. We can have personal conversations and I am free to share my beliefs without offending.

I also have a group of Christian friends and fellow Sunday school teachers that I work with in that capacity. I am certainly more relaxed about speaking about spiritual things with them and our sharing is mostly on that level and being mindful of where we are and what we are sharing.

I also interact with the other foreign teachers at our international school. I am perhaps not careful enough in these interactions. I assume to a certain extent that we are all Montessorians so we see things equally through that lens. However there are hardly two of us who studied the same Montessori discipline and definitely not more than two of us from the same country. I think I miss nuances of understanding that would help enrich what we do.

I interact on a professional level with my Chinese assistants and the parents in our class and Baby groups. These can be jovial but are firstly based on my position as an early childhood educator. Here I need to temper my knowledge with the culture and background of the people I interact with. I am trying to overcome the tendency to only be the expert and also be the learner.

Three strategies I would like to begin immediately are:

1. Taking more time to study cultural backgrounds. However I want to remain mindful that every case is an individual with a unique perspective.

2. I want to begin to be more proactive in finding ways for opposing ideas to co-exist. By looking at rationales of both positions and finding a cooperative solution where both sides can be respected.

3. I will enter EVERY conversation being mindful that this person does not think as I do. We do not share the same starting point in this conversation and I must look for evidence for where we agree and where we do not.

My main goal is to remain diligent in making every communication equal and meaningful far beyond the time of this course.

Silence says a lot....

This blog will not break anyone's confidence in the power of body language to communicate.

And the 'aha' moments have more to do with predictability than shock.

For my defense, I do not have English speaking television shows. I am vaguely aware they are available on the Internet but have been abroad for so long, I have lost track of what would be good to watch.

And my DVD source is questionable.  However, I had a a series tucked away that I had not watched. It is Castle, an ABC police drama/comedy produced by Beacon Pictures and created by Andrew W. Marlowe.

The male lead clearly displayed his flirtatious/playboy side as well as his keen interest in mysteries through facial expression. I did not get the ex-wife connection to his publicist but there was clear antipathy in their encounters. Like son, like mother with a bit of a controlling edge and a studious daughter playing the role of the grown-up in the family also came clearly through.

The female detective clearly surpassed her male counterparts in ingenuity. I missed the camaraderie between her and the female medical examiner however the latter's respect for the author was clear from her handshake and hand movements.

The over the desk, direct eye contact and quick mouth movements displayed the detective's power position. Hardening of her gaze showed that he was getting too personal. Raised eyebrows, narrowing of eyes, shaking of head, smiles and walking closer together showed their growing relationship. The brief encounters with the Captain clearly showed that the detective had no sway over him.

The sound added content and that the culprit was the brother, not a boyfriend. But there were no surprises in the plot.

This may be a sign that I watch too much television or that what I watch is brain defying. Oh that  people in real life were so easy to read.

Communication Skill

Thinking about master communicators this week, speakers both secular and religious came to mind. These men and women who take a familiar idea and turn it on its head to open up a whole new world of possibilities. But I did not choose one of these.

Next I thought of musicians who can sink right into your bone marrow or get involuntary hip moment . Or who compos a lyric that captures the very essence of existence. But the blog does not settle on them either

Then I thought of authors who have taken me into havens of relaxation, or racing against time, or envisioning a world that could be or slapped back against the chair at the wonder of new ideas. But they will also have to wait for another hearing.

At the last I chose to single out someone in the early childhood field - my good friend and principal.
The over-arching skill I see and would like to emulate, is her ability to welcome anyone into her circle of acceptance in an instant. She does this by giving her whole attention to the speaker and seeing that any who would try to interrupt is paused. She comments on what was said and takes the conversation further.

She is a first language English speaker. She is also fluent in Cantonese where she lived for five years and in Mandarin, the official language of China. She has also learned her husband's local dialect. She takes her time to make certain she is understood and that she is being understood.

As the principal of three international Montessori kindergarten campuses , she keeps up on child development studies and encourages and welcomes her teachers to do the same and share their information. She invites cultural child rearing discussions and remains open to the possibility that there may be a better way than what we do at present.

She laughs easily, helping to relax and not offend. I have seen parents come through our door seething in anger and in just a few minutes, she has ushered them into her office, offered them some water (a Chinese sign of hospitality) and is engaging them in communication. It is not over until it is over no matter what else comes to the door. And when they re-emerge it is as cooperative allies.

This is not to say she doesn't mis-speak at times but her respectful mannerisms and self effacing apologies are most often accepted.

I have been in meetings with her where disrespect has taken over. I watched her square her shoulders, look the man straight in the eye, voice the ultimatum, then stand and dismiss the meeting. Message delivered and received.

I believe it is the sincerity and unflappableness  that I most respect and wish to emulate. I absolutely admire her language skills and her ability to totally disagree but not keep her from hearing the other side.

My communication hero - Paula Zhou!