I am generally a flight risk when it comes to altercations. In the classroom I will continue to find ways to come to an understanding. But personally, I pretty much stay 'flown'. If I do decide to 'fight', I soon back down and end up apologizing.
So when Conflict Resolution Network (n.d.) added the term 'flow', I think I have found the solution. I have been strongly cultured in the right/wrong way of thinking (Rosenberg, YouTube, 2010). However I am increasingly aware that it well could be me who is wrong.
The colleague with whom I have had a moment of conflict in the past that whose solution was her bursting into tears and my letting her continue teaching the way she had been. Since then I have been very careful what topics I raise with her and never offer any sort of critique. Interestingly she is the one who used the principles of feelings/need and request (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, (n.d.). We had been joking in a staff meeting and another teacher called her, while laughing, a bully. She later went to the teacher and told how that made her feel and asked why she had said it and that she not do it again. The teacher was completely apologetic, not realizing that it hadn't all been taken in good fun. The problem upon hearing this story, is that the other teacher was only in the position to apologize, not to give her feelings, needs and requests. What is termed win-lose (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2009).
So on the heels of that resolution, I set my conflict assignment. The fighting and flighting, I do is all on the inside and takes the energy I could be using identifying what need of mine is being threatened. So the plan is that I remain calm - yes, that was a roll of thunder and a lightening flash! If I can keep a cool head and refrain from the criticism based on past experiences that is ping-ponging in my little brain, I will be able to hear the need beneath her speech. Phrases of respect must be what is 'flowing' through my grey matter. I am looking for a win-win solution where needs are clear first then a solution is sought (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.).
OK you thought I was going to say that I would express this supposed need back to her - NOT YET! My good friend is also the principal. After the meeting, I would run his past her and wonder how she feels about it. Frankly, I cannot see beyond this. However, I have not openly expressed to my principal that I am intimidated by this teacher. It may be that she could act as a mediator in the future (The Third Side, n.d.).
I am intrigued by this week's topic and look to use it in my classroom as well as personal life - stop laughing!!!!
References
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from
http://www.cnvc.org
Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. retrieved from http://www.cmhq.org/pages/php?plD=12#skill_3
O’Hair, D., Wiemann, M. (2009). Real Communication An Introduction. New York:
Bedford/St. Martin’s
The Third side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org
YouTube. (2010). the basics of nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-129JLTjkQ
I cannot imagine you being as you have discribed. I understand the bully part. It seems adults are good at being bullies, but no one seems to consider adults as bullies. Hang in there you'll learn to work things out within yourself.
ReplyDeleteBobbie,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog as always. I would love to work with you all the time; especially when I know that I do not have to put up with too much of anything. I always try to come to some type of understanding when working with people but not all the time does it work. I love the way you ping pong the teacher out in your little bit brain.
Laughing so hard at you Bobbie!
Tracey
Hi Bobbie,
ReplyDeleteI too was so happy to see the term 'flow' along with 'fight' or 'flight'. In addition to our other commonalities identified through this graduate program, I am also known to flee from conflict. I too have experienced the "thunder and bolts of lightning" during this week's learning resources. There were times I was thinking, "Wow, this seems so simple, why has it taken me so long to learn this?"
As I am bringing my Sunday to a close, I hope your Monday has gone well!!
Enjoyed your post. Take good care.
Bobbie,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, I do not like altercations and try to avoid them by any means neccessary! This weeks topic was great and I can see myself using it at home and on the job!
Hi Bobbie,
ReplyDeleteI do not not like altercations but I do not flee from them I will stand my grounds. I sometime wish that I had left it alone. Because the problem sometimes just got bigger. I have learn just to keep my mouth shut until the time is right to say something. It has a times more then a year. I loved your post